Ashes And Wine
by velja
Summary: Follows directly after Ep 2x03. Elena and Damon try to deal with where they're standing right now. Is there a chance, a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight, is there a chance you may change your mind? Or are we ashes and wine?
1. Ashes And Wine

**Ashes And Wine**

_The heartbreaking Damon/Elena scene on the porch in 2x03 'Bad Moon Rising' combined with the song 'Ashes And Wine' (by A Fine Frenzy) just begged to be used as inspiration for a fic, didn't it?_

_Well, here's my take on that one (and I'm sure there are or will be others). I have no idea where to take this story because right now I just don't see any fragment of light at the end of the tunnel. So I haven't decided yet if this is gonna stay a stand-alone or if I'm gonna find a way to continue it. Hop__efully the episodes to come will show me a way._

_I don't own anything, only the tears that leave my eyes whenever I hear this song now._

_

* * *

_

**Ashes And Wine**

'_You and Katherine have a lot more in common than just your looks!'_

Elena lay in bed, tossing and turning and unable to find sleep. Damon's words had been haunting her for hours on end.

Ever since he'd left her standing on the porch earlier tonight she hadn't been able to ban them from her mind. _"You and Katherine have a lot more in common than just your looks."_

Those were the exact words Elena had never wanted to hear.

But, she thought and turned onto her back, were they true?

Was she really more than merely a carbon copy of how Katherine looked like?

Was she like her?

_You used me today._

_You had information on Katherine that I needed._

It was true, Elena knew. She felt the knot settle more deeply in her stomach along with the truth. Damon had been right. She'd used him today, had strung him along, had played his own game and turned it against him to get what she wanted.

Today she'd really been Katherine.

And even though she'd never wanted to be like her, Elena couldn't bring herself to regret her actions yet. She tightened her hold on the old and tattered teddy bear in her arms and soaked up its unique scent. This at last was something familiar, something she loved and knew how to handle.

Unlike the emotions currently churning through her guts when thinking about how she'd behaved today.

She'd wanted to hurt Damon. She'd wanted to make him feel the pain he had inflicted on her when he'd snapped Jeremy's neck. She'd wanted to make him feel hurt and betrayed and used.

She'd wanted to make him feel.

Why?

_**I'll drown in my tear storming sea**_

_**That would show you, that would make you hurt like me**_

She had wanted to make Damon feel a fragment of the pain, the emotions, she had been forced to deal with for the last few days. These foreign feelings that she didn't know how to handle other than by throwing them back at him.

She'd wanted to make him feel what she was going through.

Because deep down inside Elena knew… she still cared.

_**Is there a chance**_

_**A fragment of light**_

_**At the end of the tunnel**_

_**A reason to fight**_

* * *

Damon had found the boarding house empty, with no Stefan to be seen or heard, when he'd returned. He'd walked home, at human pace for once, with thoughts and feelings all tumbling around in his head.

Entering the parlor he'd gone straight for the liquor cabinet and, not bothering with a glass, had taken the bottle of bourbon back to the couch with him.

And there he sat, taking a swing from the bottle every now and then, and he stared straight on into the dark and cold fireplace, unblinking, until his eyes burned and hurt as much as the rest of him.

_It would suck if that was gone forever._

Damon was well aware that he'd taken the coward's way out by phrasing the words like this. Using the impersonal passive form instead of letting Elena know how he'd feel, how it would affect _**him personally**_, if it was true and any base for their friendship was gone.

But he hadn't been ready to admit yet… he hadn't been able to put himself out there completely and show her, make her understand that it would hurt… no, that _**he would hurt**_, that he would feel broken beyond repair if he'd truly lost her.

But in the end he'd of course had no other choice than to be honest and open with her. There on the porch, when Elena had asked he'd tell her the truth…

For a split second Damon had contemplated lying to her but then, no. She'd deserved the truth. After all, before today he'd never lied to her and he had found it impossible to continue now. She'd deserved to know the truth.

And the truth was… Damon's evasive tactics of telling half-truths and beating around the bush hadn't taken him anywhere. Elena was as closed off and cold as before and therefore… Damon had had no other choice. He'd laid all his cards on the table. He'd stripped bare and for the first time in years, he'd struggled to find the right words. He'd been flustered and had been fumbling around, not knowing how to say it right.

_Katherine really pissed me off and… and I, I snapped and… I… I got lucky with the ring. I don't know what I would have done if he wasn't wearing it._

The more he'd said the easier it had become to let her in, to let her see how much his actions had affected him. And in the end it hadn't cost him that much to finally say the words. Those three little words, the ones he'd thought he'd long since forgotten how to say and truly mean them…

Tonight they had come easily and from the heart.

_Elena, I'm sorry._

He'd said it, he'd meant it, and he hadn't dropped dead finally admitting it to her. The ground beneath his feet hadn't opened up and swallowed him whole. It had felt good to say those words.

It had felt right.

And it hadn't changed anything.

_**Don't know what to do anymore**_

**_I've lost the only love worth fighting for_**

It hadn't changed anything. Long before this day had ended with them on her porch Elena had already decided for herself that nothing he'd say or do would change anything. Nothing would be good enough for her.

_And the answer to your question about our friendship? Is yes._

_You have lost me forever._

_**Is there a chance**_

_**A fragment of light**_

_**At the end of the tunnel**_

_**A reason to fight**_

_**Is there a chance**_

_**You may change your mind**_

_**Or are we ashes and wine?**_

* * *

The bottle Damon raised to his lips glistened brightly when the lights in the parlor were suddenly turned on.

Damon blinked and listened to Stefan's weary footsteps on the wooden floor.

"Damon, you're back," the younger vampire made his way around the couch. "You were right about the Lockwood's. Tonight I saw…"

Stefan broke off suddenly when he'd rounded the couch and came face to face with his brother.

"What happened?"

Worry laced his voice and something dropped in his stomach. All thoughts of what had happened tonight, of werewolves and Caroline biting Matt, everything went flying out of Stefan's head the second he saw the look on Damon's face.

"Nothing," Damon didn't meet his gaze but kept on staring into the empty fireplace. "Not a thing happened, brother."

"Damon," Stefan sat down next to him and tried to catch his brother's eyes. "Something must have happened or you wouldn't be…"

He reached out a hand and placed it tentatively onto Damon's arm. The unfamiliar gesture made Damon turn his head to the side at last. He blinked down to the hand on his arm and back up into Stefan's face. Worry and genuine concern were etched all over it and Damon raised an eyebrow.

"I wouldn't be what, Stef? Drinking? Come on, you know…"

"You wouldn't be crying, Damon." Stefan's words, though spoken softly, cut off whatever snide remark Damon had been about to make.

"What?"

"You're crying, Damon. What happened?"

Damon lifted his free hand up to his face. It came back wet. Unable to comprehend or say anything Damon stared at his moist fingertips.

And then his gaze went back to stare at the cold ashes in the fireplace and he couldn't help but wonder if perhaps, instead of bourbon, he should have chosen wine tonight.

It would have been much more fitting for the situation, wouldn't it?

After all, there was nothing left but ashes and wine.

_**Is there a chance**_

_**A fragment of light**_

_**At the end of the tunnel**_

_**A reason to fight**_

**_Is there a chance_**

_**You may change your mind**_

_**Or are we ashes and wine?**_

* * *

**The End (for now)**


	2. Reality

_I finally found a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel. I needed to give this short story more closure and I needed it to end on better terms. And although there are no lyrics in here and this isn't related to the song 'Ashes And Wine' in any way, it is a continuation of that storyline. Rather, it's the first half of the rest. A final part will follow._

**_After Elena's and Stefan's fake fight at the Grill (meant for Caroline's ears) Damon senses his opportunity and of course acts on it. Meanwhile Elena senses that maybe the fight wasn't as fake as she'd thought it to be._**

**_

* * *

_Ashes And Wine**

**Part Two**

'_Why are you giving her so much power over our relationship?' Elena's voice was demanding, desperate. Stefan's reply came quickly. 'This is the reality of our situation!'_

_Too quickly. As if it had been sitting on the tip of his tongue for weeks already, waiting for the right moment to be let out._

'_Reality sucks!' Elena ground out, then paused to take a shaky breath. 'This is what she wants. She wants us to fight. She wants to get between us.'_

_She said it as if pointing out the obvious would help. As if it would make it any less real. As if it would change Stefan's answer._

_It didn't._

_He lowered his head and raked a hand through his hair. 'She already has, Elena.'_

_He didn't look her in the eyes, didn't look at her at all._

_Not even when she grabbed her jacket and left._

_

* * *

_

Damon kept sitting with his back towards his brother for a short while, mulling over the fight he'd just witnessed, and for a moment there he felt glad that he wasn't in his brother's shoes right now.

For the last few days, weeks really, Damon had secretly wanted nothing more than to be his brother. He'd wanted to be the one Elena enjoyed spending time with, enjoyed laughing and joking with, enjoyed being with.

He'd wanted to be the one with her.

But he hadn't been and – according to Elena's more than clear words – he never was and never would be. He'd never be the one she wanted.

He'd never be the one she'd throw her arms around and kiss with a desperation as if the world would stop moving if she didn't. He'd never be the one to hold her and kiss her and love her, never the one she'd come running to, never the one who'd make her heart sing in joy.

But, Damon stood up and left the Grill without a glance to where his brother was still sitting, he'd also never be the one to crush Elena's hopes and dreams, her entire heart, with one single sentence.

_She already has, Elena._

And Damon would never be the one to fall for Katherine's manipulations again, to fall into her traps. Not now, not again, not after everything.

He wouldn't be the one.

But Stefan was obviously the one stupid enough to fall for it. To fall for her, again.

He was obviously the one to break Elena's heart with the truth.

And for once Damon didn't envy his brother.

For once Damon was glad he wasn't Stefan. He wasn't the one.

Instead he would be the one to pick up the pieces of Elena 's heart and try to mend them back together. He would be the one to make her see that although, yes, Stefan had been right in stating that this was the reality of their situation, it didn't have to be bad.

Reality sucks, Elena had said, and maybe she was right. Maybe reality did suck. Maybe it was cruel and ugly and not the best scenario in the world right now and maybe it prompted you to run the other way and leave everything behind.

But Damon wouldn't be the one to do that.

Because it was real and… he wouldn't be the one to walk away. He couldn't.

And he knew that neither could she.

_When it's real you can't walk away._

That was the reality of their situation. And Damon would be the one to make her see: He'd live by this truth for all eternity.

With that thought in mind he made his way over to Elena's home and entered her bedroom through the open window.

* * *

All the way home the earlier conversation played over and over in Elena's head. She couldn't shut it out, the words just kept on repeating themselves like a broken record playing in her mind. They branded themselves into her ears, into her brain.

_This is the reality of our situation!_

Elena tried to remind herself that everything she and Stefan had said hadn't been real. They'd decided to stage a fight so that Caroline would pick up on it and would carry it on to Katherine.

None of it had been real.

'Then why does it feel more real than anything else right now?' A voice suddenly piped up in Elena's head. 'Why did the words come so easily, so readily, over your lips? Over Stefan's as well? Why didn't you have to think hard and long first about what to say to make it as believable as possible?'

Elena tried to ignore the voice in her head. She entered her home and, without looking for or calling out to Jenna and Jeremy, she slowly trudged up the stairs. Shredding out of her jacket she left it on the banister and went straight for the bathroom.

The cold water that she splashed onto her face didn't erase the prickling feeling at the corners of her eyes. 'No!' Elena thought determined and, fingers digging into the edge of the sink in a hard grip and straightening up, she threw a glare at her own face in the mirror. 'I will not cry over this! It wasn't real! None of it was real!'

She knew that Stefan would be here soon. And then they would kiss and hug and reassure each other that this, the kisses, the closeness, the love, was real. And nothing else.

They would crawl into bed together, holding each other tight, and they would close their eyes and shut out the room, the night, the rest of the world, till the bright morning sun would come heralding another day.

Elena loosened her grip on the sink and let her arms fall to her sides. Before she turned towards her open bedroom door she sent one more look at her reflection in the mirror.

And she pretended not to see the truth in there.

_This is the reality of our situation._

_

* * *

_**TBC**

_I know that this doesn't solve anything. But I hope the conversation I have in mind for Elena and Damon will do. Tell me what you think of this and also, if you know what you'd like to happen next when Elena and Damon talk, let me know. I could use a few pointers._**  
**


	3. Far Too Long

**Ashes And Wine**

Chapter Three

_Change of plans. Yesterday I wrote a poem that fits Delena and I thought I'd put it in here. But today something else came to my mind. I'm quite nervous about your reaction (explanation at the bottom), so please let me know what you think._

_This is the final part of 'Ashes And Wine' and it's not quite the happily-ever-after we could all use right now but at this point a small silver lining is the only thing I can give you and that's realistic, right? Once again, it's in no way related to the title song but… I hope you'll like it anyway. Enjoy reading._

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* * *

_

**I Miss You; It's Been Far Too Long**

Elena tried to tame her confused feelings when she left the bathroom. Stefan would be here soon and then they would…

She came to a stumbling halt when her eyes fell on to someone sitting on the edge of her bed. It wasn't the vampire she'd expected to see. Not now, not when her feelings were already on shaky grounds.

She didn't need to add more confusion now, did she?

_**What's fake and what's real?**_

_**I don't know what to feel,**_

_**All I know is that you cannot be here.**_

_**I can't let you see**_

_**This confused side of me**_

_**Cause it gives you the chance to jump in here.**_

"Damon," Elena sighed and irritation swung in her voice. "What are you doing here? What do you want?"

Damon didn't reply, which was strange considering he usually couldn't keep his mouth shut no matter how much Elena wanted him to. He didn't look at her either but had his eyes fixed on the stuffed bear in his hands.

Seeing that now, the disturbingly familiar picture of Damon playing with her teddy bear, brought back memories of better days, and Elena was suddenly determined to not let them surface. She marched up to Damon, determination obvious in every stride.

"Give me that!"

She pulled her teddy out of Damon's hands and secured it in the crook of her arm. Damon's gaze followed and he watched her pet and cuddle the bear as if it needed to be calmed down after the ordeal that being touched by Damon Salvatore apparently was. Elena even whispered soothing words of nonsense into one of its plush ears.

"Oh, come on, Elena! I didn't do anything to it!" Damon raised an eyebrow in offence. "I just…"

"You just what, Damon?" Elena fired back immediately. "You just came by for a cuddle session with my teddy bear? I don't think so. And I don't want you to touch him. I don't want you here at all. I can't deal with you right now. I can't… Just get out, Damon!"

Elena gave her teddy one last loving caress and then threw it onto the bed behind Damon. As much as she'd have loved to hold on to the stuffed animal for comfort, she had to appear strong now, strong and hard, or otherwise Damon would never leave.

And she needed him to leave, now.

_**And I'm afraid I will let you**_

_**Right back into my life**_

_**Right back to where you've been before**_

_**Cause now I am weak**_

_**And confused and I need**_

_**You my friend, you my I-don't-know-what-anymore.**_

Damon raised his head and looked at Elena. He took in her defensive stance, the hands on her hips, her one foot tapping impatiently on the carpet, and knew instantly that she was trying to put on a brave front while she was about to crumble.

Elena didn't meet his eyes but stared on to a spot somewhere next to him on the bed. Her irritation grew with every second that Damon didn't move, didn't answer, didn't do anything but look at her.

She felt naked, exposed, and knew she wouldn't be able to bear his scrutinizing gaze for much longer. He'd always had the power to see right through her and now was no exception.

And Elena could feel her resolve starting to crumble under the onslaught of his intense eyes.

_**As much as I hate to admit it,**_

_**As much as I know it is wrong**_

_**Right now I just need you committed**_

_**To me cause I miss you; it's been far too long.**_

"No." Damon made no move to stand. He placed his hands on the bed and slightly leaned back on them. Cocking his head to the side he eyed Elena silently for a while.

"Get. Out." Elena's voice was low.

She looked as if she was about to just grab him by the lapels of his leather jacket and manually throw him out of her window. Not that she could do that, mind you, but… Damon realized that something other than the sheer impossibility of manhandling him was stopping her from it.

_**I know that I've failed,**_

_**That I've let you down**_

_**Things will never be right and they'll never be fine**_

_**The hate that you feel**_

**_Oh, I wish it wasn't real_**

_**And I'd know of a way to just turn back the time**_

"Elena, I know that you don't want me here," he finally began in that serious gentle voice that he only ever seemed to use with her alone. "But you shouldn't be alone right now. Not after…"

'Not after the way things went between you and Stefan earlier.' Damon couldn't bring himself to say the words. He thought he'd come here tonight to cease his opportunity, to take their apparent fight as an opening for him to squeeze right back in…

But now that he was here, he couldn't do it. He could see that Elena was far too shaken to deal with his renewed advances right now. She'd just block his moves and accuse him of being an unfeeling psychopath that didn't care about her feelings because… how could he think of making a move on her when all she really needed was a friend right now?

Damon knew that's what she'd say and… she wouldn't be wrong.

She needed a friend right now, nothing else. She needed someone to take her mind off of what had happened.

If only she'd let him be that friend again.

He knew he was an idiot for wanting to be there for her when she clearly didn't want him. He knew that he shouldn't care. He should go back to being the unfeeling monster she thought he was.

But, and that was the true point here, not too long ago Elena had managed to see past that. She'd seen more in him than anybody else ever had. She'd understood him.

She'd brought out the man inside.

And no matter that all it had done had been bringing pain and heartbreak, now that Damon knew he was still capable of being more than just a monster… he couldn't go back. Even if he wanted to, he just couldn't. He didn't know how.

_**The monster in me,**_

_**I've let everyone see.**_

_**Only you ever managed to see past, see more.**_

_**You dig deeper, you see**_

**_The man inside of me_**

_**I don't know if to thank you or hate you therefore.**_

_**As much as I hate to admit it,**_

_**As much as I know it is wrong**_

_**Shouldn't want you to have me committed**_

_**To you but I miss you; it's been far too long.**_

"Damon," Elena's quiet voice suddenly pulled him out of his thoughts. "I know that you overheard Stefan and me at the Grill earlier, but…"

"He's an idiot, Elena."

"No, he's not. You don't understand…" she took two steps closer to him and Damon had to raise his head to look into her face. "It wasn't…"

"It wasn't what, Elena?" Damon stood up in one swift movement and started pacing the room. He reached her dresser and turned around, his back against the edge, arms folded across his chest. "It wasn't real? Is that what you're trying to convince yourself of here?"

Elena's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "You… you know?"

"That you think the fight was faked? Yeah, I did pick up on that when you decided to have a heart-to-heart in a crowded public place and you just happened to raise your voice enough to let Caroline hear it all." Damon threw her a quick smirk. "I'm not that stupid, you know?"

Elena plopped down onto her bed. "I don't understand. If you knew we faked it, then why did you come here tonight? I thought you…"

"I didn't say I believed it, did I?"

"Huh?" Elena was totally confused now. She'd thought that Damon had come here tonight because he'd overheard them and had sensed an opportunity...

But that apparently wasn't it. She raised her head and locked her eyes with his. "Damon," she sighed. "What are you really here for?"

Damon pushed himself off the dresser and slowly made his way back to the bed. "I'm here to let you know," he stopped in front of her and sought Elena's eyes. She avoided his gaze but looked to her hands in her lap instead.

Damon crouched down in front of her. He itched to pick up her hands and squeeze them but knew he shouldn't. So he repressed the urge and lowered his face till he caught her eyes.

"I want you to know that although you hate me right now, and you have every right to, I'm still gonna be there for you should you ever need me. I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't need you, Damon," Elena's voice wasn't as strong as before. She looked at her hands again.

"Maybe not now," Damon cocked his head to the side. "Maybe not for a while."

"Maybe for a damn long while," Elena's voice was soft but Damon could detect the slightest hint of a smile in it. He stood up and, his own lips twisting into a small smile as well, started walking towards the window. "But not forever."

He swung both legs over the windowsill and sent one last look back at Elena. She was still staring at her hands but then she turned her head and looked at him.

"No, not forever."

"I think I can live with that," Damon smiled. "Maybe instead of one step forward and two steps back we can try and do it the other way round, huh? Two steps forward and one step back? Because that way, we'd be…"

"We'd be moving forward eventually," Elena finished for him. "I get that."

"Can we?"

"I don't know, Damon," was all Elena was willing to give him right now. "I don't know."

It was all she could give at the moment, but… Damon suddenly felt as if the first steps had just been made.

Forward.

_**As much as we both can't admit yet,**_

_**As much as we both know it's wrong,**_

_**Eventually we'll be committed**_

_**To each other; let's just hope it won't take too long.**_

* * *

**The End**

_So, do you like it? Like the 'song'? Think it fits? Think it sucks?_

_Please let me know because… it's not really a song (yet). I wrote the lyrics myself *hides face behind palms*._


End file.
